Catullus 12: An Easier Prose Adaptation

In this world of fast fashion, Walmart stores, and Dollar Generals, it’s easy to understand why are students are flummoxed by the value of cloth. Flummoxed is perhaps a generous description. It’s inconceivable and unfathomable to them that cloth should be so expensive. I particularly enjoyed it when I told my students that wills sometimes included clothing. When I read Catullus 12, in which Marrucinus Asinius steals some cloth napkins from Catullus, I had the expense of the theft tickling the back of my mind, though Catullus claims he’s upset because they’re gifts from dear friends. We have disposable napkins; Catullus had disposable guests.

For this easier prose adaptation of Catullus 12, I decided to keep the scene on the moment of the theft, with all the onlookers watching as Catullus accuses Marrucinus Asinius of stealing his napkins. I particularly enjoyed his threat to memorialize him as a thief, a threat that Catullus brought to fruition. What do we know about this man except that he steals napkins?

If you’d like to return to the heckling I created in Catullus 11, that link is here. Enjoy. And may you be blessed with guests who bring bottles of wine or desserts instead of those who would dare to steal your napkins. The famous Catullus 13 is next—which I have actually read before—so, stay tuned.

Catullus 12: An Easier Prose Adaptation

Catullus magnam cēnam cum multīs cibīs parat. Catullus patellās plēnās cibōrum in mēnsā pōnit. Catullus multa genera vīnōrum in mēnsā pōnit. Catullus lintea[1] in mēnsā pōnere quoque vult. Amīcī lepidī sunt, sed Catullus pōnere lintea in mēnsā semper dēbet quia nōn bellē[2] edunt. Catullus ipse nōn bellē edit.  

Catullus lintea[3] quae Verānius et Fabulus eī mūnerī ex Hibērīs mīsērunt[4] ēligit. Catullus lintea in mēnsā spectat. Lintea sunt sūdāria Saetaba,[5] et cāra Catullō sunt. Catullus rīdet. Omnia parāta sunt ut optimam cēnam habeant.

Amīcī Catulī ad domum veniunt ut cēnent et gaudeant. Prīmus amīcus quī venit est Marrūcīnus Asinius.[6] Solus venit.

Catullus rogat, “Salve, Marrūcīne! Ubi est frāter[7] tuus? Polliō amīcus quoque est. Eum invītāvī. Nōnne venit?”

Marrūcīnus Asinius respondet, “Mēcum venīre hāc nocte nōn potest, ignōscās.”

Catullus dēiectus est quia Polliō est melior amīcus frātre[8] Marrūcīnō, sed nihil dīcit. Catullus alium amīcum in viā venientem videt, et mēnsam Marrūcīnō dēmōnstrat.

Multī amīcī ad domum Catullī veniunt, et Catullus omnēs salūtant.

Omnēs ad mēnsam plēnam cibōrum et vīnōrum eunt, sed Catullus attonitus est. Ubi lintea[9] sunt? Ubi sunt illa mūnera[10] quae Verānius et Fabullus ex Hibērīs mīsērunt?[11]

Marrūcīnus Asinius apud mēnsam sōlus sedet, rīdēns.

Et Catullus statim intellegit:  Marrūcīnus Asinius fūr est. 

Catullus exclāmat, “Marrūcīne Asinī, tū nōn bellē uterīs manū sinistrā!”[12]

Omnēs hospitēs Catullum spectant et deinde Marrūcīnum Asinium spectant. Ānxiī sunt quia Catullus subitō clāmat.

Marrūcīnus Asinius attonitus vidētur, et respondet, “Egone?”

Catullus exclāmat, “Tū tollis lintea neglegentiōrum[13]hospitōrum, sed ego nōn sum neglegēns.[14] Fūrem! Nesciō an tū in iocō atque vīnō tū lintea tollās,[15] et nīl mihi refert. Remitte mihi[16] quae tū sustulistī,[17] fūr!”

Marrūcīnus Asinius surgit respondēns, “Quid? Putāsne mē esse fūrem?”

Omnēs hospitēs Marrūcīnum Asinium spectant. Nesciunt an Catullus īnsānus sit an Marrūcīnus Asinius fūr sit. Sed Catullus ipse scit, et īrātissimus est. Catullus scit Marrūcīnum nōn esse tam bonum quam frātrem Polliōnem. Polliō est amīcus bonus, nōn Marrūcīnus.

Catullus mēnsam (sine linteīs)[18] dēmōnstrant exclāmāns, “Putāsne hoc salsum esse?[19] Fugit tē, inpete,[20] quamvīs sordida rēs et invenusta est.[21] Abī, sed prīmum, remitte mihi lintea[22]mea!”

Marrūcīnus Asinius respondet, “Nōn crēdis mihi? Lintea[23] tua nōn habeō!”

Catullus multō īrātior exclāmat, “Crēde Polliōnī frātrī![24] Frāter enim[25] est amīcus puer[26]quī differtus lepōrum et facētiārum est.[27] Et ille velit fūrta tua mūtārī vel talentō!”[28] 

Marrūcīnus Asinius ānxius iam vidētur. Rogat, “Quid dē frātre meō! Hoc nōn dīcat!

Marrūcīnus Asinius (cum illīs linteīs[29] in tunicā eius) ad iānuam ambulat, sed Catullus eum capit, omnibus hospitibus eōs spectantibus. 

Catullus dīcit, “Quārē aut expectā hendecasyllabōs trecentōs[30] in quibus vidēris ineptus et stupidus et illepidus, aut mihi lintea mea remitte.”[31]

Marrūcīnus Asinius iam timet. Dēscrībī ā Catullō versibus nōn vult, praesertim in versibus satiricīs. Satura horribilis est cum omnēs lēctōrēs tē rīdent.

Hospes Catullum rogat, “Moventne illa lintea tē aestimātiōne?”[32]

Catullus hospitem spectat, et respondet, “Mē nōn movet aestimātiōne,[33] vērum est mnēmosynum meī sodālis[34] quī illa lintea mihi mūnerī mīsit.[35] 

Marrūcīnus Asinius propior iānuam ambulat, sed Catullus eum iterum capit.

Omnēs hospitēs Marrūcīnum Asinium īrātē spectant. Capere lintea[36] horribile est, sed capere mnēmosynum[37] amīcī bonī horribilior est. Et edere volunt. Cibus parātus est.

Catullus in tunicā Marrūcīnī Asiniī manum[38] dextram extendit, et omnia lintea[39] ē tunicā capit. Tenēns lintea in manū dextrā (et Marrūcīnum Asinium in manū sinistrā),[40] Catullus amīcōs et hospitēs dīcit, “Necesse est[41] ego haec lintea amem[42] ut[43] ego Verānium meum et Fabullum amō.”

Et omnēs īrātē Marrūcīnum Asinium spectant. Catullus eum relinquit et ille fūr ad iānum currit. Catullus exclāmat, “Abī, inepte,[44] et exspectā[45] illōs versūlōs meōs.”

Omnēs rīdent, et apud mēnsam plēnam cibōrum et vīnōrum et linteōrum missōrum ā amīcīs Catullī gaudent et edunt.

[1] Napkins

[2] Prettily, beautifully, politely

[3] Napkins

[4] Veranius and Fabulus sent to him as a gift from Hiberia (Spain).

[5] Saetaban cloths; another word for napkin or handkerchief, or even what we might call a, well, sweat rag.

[6] A “friend” of Catullus

[7] Marrucinus Asinius has a brother, Pollio, whom I think Catullus appreciates a lot more.

[8] Brother

[9] Napkins

[10] Gifts

[11] They sent from Spain

[12] You do not politely use your left hand.

[13] You are taking up the napkins of more neglegent

[14] Negligent, unaware

[15] You take away the napkins in joke or in drunkenness

[16] Give me back

[17] You took

[18] Napkins

[19] Do you think this is witty?

[20] You’re wrong (it, that is, the wit, escapes you), idiot

[21] The matter is particularly foul and unattractive.

[22] Give me back my napkins

[23] Napkins

[24] Believe your brother Pollio

[25] For your brother

[26] Boy

[27] Who is filled with wit and charm.

[28] He would want your thefts to be changed even for a talent—a large amount of money. Essentially, he’d pay anything to make your thefts (and you) go away.

[29] Napkins

[30] Why either await three hundred hendecasyllables; the meter Catullus used for satire. He’s threatening to satirize Marrucinus Asinius.

[31] Or return my napkins!

[32] Do those napkins move you (affect you) in their value? Essentially, are they valuable and is that why you’re mad?

[33] It does not move me in value;

[34] But it is a token of the friend, comrade

[35] Sent the napkins to me as a gift.

[36] Napkins

[37] Token

[38] Hand

[39] Napkins

[40] Left hand

[41] It is necessary

[42] That I love

[43] Just as

[44] Idiot, doofus, dolt, inept person

[45] Await

Catullus 12: English Word Order

Marrūcīne Asinī, nōn ūteris bellē sinistrā manū sinistrā: tollis lintea neglegentiōrum (hominum) in iocō atque vīnō. Putās hoc esse salsum? Fugit tē, inepte: rēs est quamvīs sordida et invenusta. Nōn credis mihi? Crēde frātrī Polliōnī, quī velit tua fūrta mūtārī vel talentō—enim est puer differtus lepōrum ac facētiārum. Quārē aut exspectā  trecentōs hendecasyllabōs aut remitte linteum mihi, quod non movet mē aestimātiōne, vērum est mnēmosynum meī sodālis. Nam Fabullus et Vērānius mīsērunt Saetaba sūdāria ex Hibērīs mihi mūnerī; necesse est amem haec (lintea) ut (amō) Vērāniolum meum et Fabullum.

Catullus 12: The Original Poem

Marrūcīne Asinī, manū sinistrā
nōn bellē ūteris: in iocō atque vīnō
tollis lintea neglegentiōrum.
Hoc salsum esse putās? Fugit tē, inepte:
quamvīs sordida rēs et invenusta est.
Nōn crēdis mihi? Crēde Polliōnī
frātrī, quī tua fūrta vel talentō
mūtārī velit—est enim lepōrum
differtus puer ac facētiārum.
Quārē aut hendecasyllabōs trecentōs
exspectā, aut mihi linteum remitte,
quod mē nōn movet aestimātiōne,
vērum est mnēmosynum meī sodālis.
Nam sūdāria Saetaba ex Hibērīs
mīsērunt mihi mūnerī Fabullus
et Vērānius; haec amem necesse est
ut Vērāniolum meum et Fabullum.

The image for this title page comes from the British Library’s catalogue of illuminated manuscripts. I am grateful that the image is dedicated to the public domain. I have done minor photoshop editing to clarify the image, crop it, and add a heading for the poem.