Catullus 14: An Easier Prose Adaptation

I like to confess my own limitations as I read these poems. One, I think it’s helpful to know you’re not alone if you read something and are confused (I was utterly flummoxed by Catullus 4 on my first read). Two, I think it’s a helpful reminder to myself and to others that poetry in another languages is sometimes just hard. So, I got a little lost here even though I understood a lot of the vocabulary and the grammar, I was missing the bigger picture. Just because a reader understands all the words (or most of the words), doesn’t mean that they will comprehend the main idea.

To rectify that for myself and for other readers like me, I made the story adaptation of the poem quite linear. I also made very explicit the connections that I had struggled with: That Catullus is upset because he received an unexpected joke gift of some truly horrendous poetry when he was expecting a friend’s much better poetry. Once I got my head wrapped around that, the poem made so much more sense and is, well, funny and delightful. (Though, Catullus, given that you can’t afford dinner for yourself or your friends, perhaps spending money on some bad poetry isn’t the most sound financial choice—or maybe this is why you don’t have money for dinner?).

For fun, I threw in the poor messenger, standing their idly, as Catullus tries to comprehend exactly what’s going on.

So, behold, a holiday gift that’s hopefully more wanted than a book of really bad poetry: Catullus 14 as an easier prose adaptation. I hope you enjoy it. If you’d like to return to Catullus 13 (perhaps you have some fine dining on your mind of late), that link is here.

Catullus 14: An Easier Prose Adaptation

Catullus gaudet quia hodiē est optimus diērum:[1]  Sāturnālia![2] Vult celebrāre et cēnāre et bibere et omnia laetissima agere. Catullus ipse mūnera[3]—versulōs novōs[4]—amīcīs suīs iam mīsit. Et cum studiō exspectat versūs scrīptōs ā amīcīs, praesertim illōs versūs novōs scrīptōs ā Calvō,[5] quī est iūcundissimus amīcus[6] Catullī, et bonus poēta.

Nūntius cum mūnere missō[7] ā Calvō tandem advenit, et Catullus cum studiō mūnus[8] capit. Nūntius nihil dīcit, sed discēdere incipit. 

“Exspectā, quaesō, ut respōnsum Calvō faciam,” Catullus nūntiō dīcit.

Catullus mūnus[9] īnspicit. Ut Catullus putābat, Calvus libellum novum mīsit,[10] et cum studiō Catullus legere incipit. Sed, libellus horribilis est—damnātus est!

Catullus legēns attonitus est et exclāmat, “Dī magnī, horribilem et sacrum libellum!”[11]

Catullus libellum[12] spectat. Calvus hoc nōn scrīpsit… Estne error? Nūntiusne libellum falsum[13] tulit? Catullus nūntium magna cum suspīciōne spectat. Nuntius Catullum non spectat. Labōrēsne et versus Calvī dispereunt?[14] Catullus iacere libellum[15] in impluvium vult—aut in lātrīnam. Nescit quālis fīnis librī melior sit. Cōgitat.

Subitō, Catullus suspicātur—valdē suspicātur,[16] et continuō,[17] statim, intellegit.

“Vah, Calve, tū scīlicet hunc libellum ad tuum Catullum mīsistī,[18] ut diē continuō perīrem!”[19] Catullus exclāmat.

Nūntius nescit quid agat. Nōmen nūntiō est Mārcus, nōn Calvus, et vult nēminem perīre,[20] praesertim ipsum. Nūntius ānxius esse incipit.

Catullus libellum et versūs in eō iterum inspicit. Catullus putat libellum scrīptum esse ā Sullā litterātōre.[21] Sī Sulla litterātor libellum scrīpsit et mūnus novum et repertum[22] Calvō dedit,[23] bonum et beātum[24] est quia versūs Calvī nōn dispereunt.[25] Cūr, autem, Calvus libellum Catullō mīsit. Calvus libellum mīsit ut iocum faciat!

Catullus nēminī dīcit, “Calve, nī tē plūs oculīs meīs amārem,[26] tē ōdissem![27] Nī tē amārem,[28] ōdissem tē odiō Vāticānō![29] Istud mūnus[30] odiō mihi est![31] Nam quid ego fēcī?[32] Quid ego locūtus sum?”[33]

Catullus cōgitat, et nūntius adhūc exspectat, nihil dicēns. Catullus dē causā cōgitāre nōn potest nisi[34] Calvus cōmicus esse voluit. Nūntius Catullum spectat, et portam deinde spectat.

Catullus iterum nēminī dīcit, “Vah! Ego nōn gaudeō! Cūr mē male perderēs tot poētīs horribilibus? [35] Istī deī multa mala dent istō clientī[36] quī tantum impiōrum tibi mīsit![37] False amīce,[38] nōn, nōn, nōn hoc![39] Nōn sīc abībit![40] Ā tē renumerābor!”[41]

Nūntius attonitus et ānxius est, et ad portam cum cūrā ambulat, Catullum spectāns. Nūntius aut aliquem aut aliquid renumerāre[42] nōn vult!

Catullus nihil Calvō ēgit, sed Catullus nunc vult dare aliquid rīdiculī Calvō, sed nox est. Necesse est Catullō exspectāre. Intereā,[43] Catullus cōnsilium capit. Catullus cōgitat… Catullus ipse iam scit quid agere velit: Sī sōl lūxerit,[44] Catullus ad scrīnia lībrāriōrum curret.[45] Catullus colligere omnia venēna[46]—libellōs horribilēs—Caesiōs, Aquīnōs, Suffenum.[47] Pessimī poētae[48] sunt! Ac Catullus ā Calvō et hīs suppliciīs remūnerārī[49] vult.

“Vōs, valēte, hinc, ābīte illūc,[50] unde tū attulistis malum pedem[51] unde tū libellum horribilem ēmistī in quō pessimī poētae sunt, saeclī incommoda!”[52] Catullus exclāmat.

Nūntius statim fugit. Subitō, Catullus nūntium ānxium fugientem videt. Oblītus est nūntiī.

Sed nōn oblīvīscitur Calvī et versuum Sullae litterātōris[53]—nec cōnsiliī suī!

[1] The best of days

[2] A festival in December celebrating the god Saturn, usually marked by an upside-down social order, jokes, and gifts.

[3] Gifts

[4] New

[5] Calvus, a poet and a (mischievious) friend of Catullus

[6] A very delightful friend

[7] A gift sent

[8] Gift

[9] Gift

[10] He sent a new little book

[11] Great gods, a horrible and cursed book! Sacrum does not mean sacred here; it’s negative inverse of that meaning, so, cursed, accursed, truly outrageously so terrible that it’s an affliction.

[12] Little book

[13] Wrong, false book

[14] Are the labors/works/efforts destroyed/lost?

[15] Little book

[16] Suspects

[17] Immediately, on the spot

[18] You of course sent this

[19] So that I would immediately perish today

[20] Perish, be destroyed, lost, or ruined

[21] By the teacher Sulla—apparently a terrible poet, but otherwise unknown.

[22] New and discovered; newly discovered, essentially, a new release.

[23] Gave

[24] It’s good and blessed

[25] Are not destroyed

[26] If I did not love you more than my own eyes,

[27] I would hate you

[28] If I did not love you,

[29] I would hate you with Vatinius’ hatred (of you).

[30] Such a gift

[31] Is hateful to me.

[32] For what have I done?

[33] What have I said?

[34] Unless

[35] Why would you destroy me with so many horrible poets?

[36] Let those gods give many bad things to such a client

[37] Who sent such a number of scoundrels (i.e., only really awful people could write such awful poetry).

[38] False friend

[39] No, no, not this!

[40] This will not go away for you (i.e., you’re not getting away with this, you jerkface).

[41] I will be paid back!

[42] To pay back

[43] Meanwhile

[44] If the sun will have shined; Once there’s light, as soon as dawn breaks.

[45] Will run to the bookcases of the booksellers

[46] To collect all the poisons

[47] All writers, apparently all bad.

[48] The worst poets

[49] To be repaid with these punishments (of Calvus)

[50] Y’all, goodbye, go away from here to that place

[51] From that place where you brought a bad foot (a metrical pun, both on setting foot somewhere to buy the awful book and a bad line of meter).

[52] Troubles of our age

[53] The teacher Sulla

Catullus 14: In English Word Order

Nī amārem tē plūs meīs oculīs, iūcundissime Calve, ōdissem tē mūnere istō odiō Vatīniānō: nam quid ego fēcī -ve quid sum locūtus, cūr perderēs mē male tot poētīs? Istī dī dent multa mala clientī, quī mīsit tantum impiōrum tibi. Quod sī, ut suspicor, Sulla litterātor dat hoc novum ac repertum mūnus tibi, est nōn male mī, sed bene ac beātē, quod tuī labōrēs non dispereunt. Magnī d(e)ī, horribilem et sacrum libellum! Quem (librum) tū scīlicet mīs(is)tī ad tuum Catullum, ut (Catullus) perīret continuō diē, Sāturnālibus, optimō diērum! Nōn, nōn, false, hoc abībit sīc tibi. Nam sī (diēs) luxerit, curram ad scrīnia librāriōrum, colligam Caesiōs, Aquīnōs, Suffenum—omnia venēna. Ac remūnerābor tē hīs suppliciīs. Intereā, vōs valēte hinc, abīte illūc, unde attulistis malum pedem, incommoda saeclī, pessimī poetae.

Catullus 14: The Original Poem

Nī tē plūs oculīs meīs amārem,
iūcundissime Calve, mūnere istō
ōdissem tē odiō Vatīniānō:
nam quid fēcī ego quidve sum locūtus,
cūr mē tot male perderēs poētīs?
Istī dī mala multa dent clientī,
quī tantum tibi mīsit impiōrum.
Quod sī, ut suspicor, hoc novum ac repertum
mūnus dat tibi Sulla litterātor,
nōn est mī male, sed bene ac beātē,
quod non dispereunt tuī labōrēs.
Dī magnī, horribilem et sacrum libellum!
Quem tū scīlicet ad tuum Catullum
mistī, continuō ut diē perīret,
Sāturnālibus, optimō diērum!
Nōn nōn hoc tibi, false, sīc abībit.
Nam sī luxerit ad librāriōrum
curram scrīnia, Caesiōs, Aquīnōs,
Suffenum, omnia colligam venēna.
Ac tē hīs suppliciīs remūnerābor.
Vōs hinc intereā valēte abīte
illūc, unde malum pedem attulistis,
saeclī incommoda, pessimī poetae.

The image for this title page comes from the British Library’s catalogue of illuminated manuscripts. I am grateful that the image is dedicated to the public domain. I have done minor photoshop editing to clarify the image, crop it, and add a heading for the poem.